


Late Nights Bad Thoughts

by yourrhinestoneeyes



Category: Metalocalypse
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mentions of Suicide, mentions of child abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-26
Updated: 2014-08-26
Packaged: 2018-02-14 21:28:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,490
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2203686
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yourrhinestoneeyes/pseuds/yourrhinestoneeyes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Toki gets depressed sometimes, sometimes really depressed, and Skwisgaar is the one person he knows will listen to the things that are going through his mind making him feel that way.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Late Nights Bad Thoughts

The sound of his phone going off woke him up. At first Skwisgaar chose to ignore it; it was still dark and he was comfortable. Whatever the hell it was wasn't important enough to gain an ounce of his attention. Another text came two minutes later after the first, this time Skwisgaar placed his pillow over his head pulling it down over his ears to drown out the annoying and now repetitive sound.

“Gods damn it fuck off.” He muttered frustrated.

Mordhaus could be burning to the ground and he would not care right now. He needed sleep, he hadn't slept for nearly three days thanks to Murderface locking himself in his room refusing to go back into the studio until they apologized to him over yet another imaginary fight he had started all himself. Not like it made too much of a difference, Skwisgaar's bass playing was better; bass wasn't even an instrument he felt he had the slightest bit of talent in and yet he managed to outdo their bassist. The one who used to play better than anybody else, now they were lucky if he even plugged his bass into the amp on stage at shows. Guitars made up for it, they made up for everything.

His phone went off again, this time the blond haired man threw his pillow across the room. 

“Fuck, fine” 

He reached over the side of his bed picking the phone up off of the floor. According to the numbers on the screen it was only three in the morning and according to the seven text messages he had it appeared Toki was the one bothering him out of nowhere. 

'Are you awake?'

'Guess not'

'Skwisgaar I need to talk, please'

'You ever think about what would happen if the sun burned out, how long do you think before we would die?'

'...I wonder if dying hurts, it looks like it hurts.'

There were more texts, but Skwisgaar didn't read through them. He dropped his phone down onto the bed, dragged himself out from under the comfort of a white fur blanket, and found his pants somewhere on the floor. 

Skwisgaar took his time walking through the dimly lit halls of Mordhaus. It wasn't like this was the first time this happened. Their rhythm guitarist despite how often they liked to tease him for acting like a child and possibly even being a total idiot, was actually rather smart. Skwisgaar had been surprised to find out the varying languages their teenage guitarist knew, his IQ when it came to mathematics, and how quickly he actually could learn things when he got himself to pay attention. His English was lacking, his attention span, and emotional range left a lot to be desired. Other than those problems he was very smart and with his intelligence along with a God awful past they had learned more about since his father died a little over a year ago it equaled in fits of depression. His mood could go from passive to rage easily and it could go from happy to suicidally depressed in the same amount of time. It didn't take a whole lot to make him depressed, sometimes it took literally nothing at all. Skwisgaar wondered if tonight was caused by a trigger or if he was just having another fit of depression.

The lead guitarist didn't bother with knocking, he quietly opened the door slipping into the darkened room and closed the door behind him. Other than the small amount of light offered by a night light on the wall the room was dark, but he could make out his friend sitting on his bed his eyes now on him. Skwisgaar didn't complain or yell at him for waking him up, he was too tired, and it didn't do any good. Toki couldn't help it when he was depressed like he couldn't help it when he got angry, but he was working on both things the best that he could. 

Skwisgaar got onto the bed settling down next to the younger musician. He leaned his head back against the wall and closed his eyes.

“What caused it this time?” He asked his tone casual.

Toki remained quiet, Skwisgaar could hear him tapping out a rhythm against his skin. He opened his eyes and glanced at the other man. Toki wasn't looking at him, he was staring down at his own arm almost fascinated by the movement of his fingers tapping against his forearm.

“I saw something online about the sun burning out.” He finally answered.

Skwisgaar grunted, that explained the message about the sun burning out.

“That won't be for another thousand years or some shit.” The older man guessed, he didn't know or care when it would be, but they would be dead by then.

He kept the comment to himself knowing it wouldn't help how his friend was feeling.

“People die a lot, you ever notice?”

“It's part of life Tokis, people are born, get old, and then die.”

“Not always, most of them are young. Really young.”

Skwisgaar eyed him curiously, the younger man ran his fingers back through his hair. He noticed his fingers trembling and the way he would bite at his lip. 

“What else?” He asked voice more gentle and encouraging this time.

“I almost died when I was a kid.” 

Honestly Skwisgaar was amazed he even made it to the age he had been when he had left home. He remembered the under weight sixteen year old with greasy hair and worn out clothing, he couldn't believe he had made it from Norway to Florida and lived nearly a year on the streets without being killed or dying from disease. Hearing about the way he had been brought up made the older man wonder all the more how the Hell he managed to live through all of that.

“How?”

Toki began tapping his fingers against his forearm again, Skwisgaar idly thought he might make a decent drummer; he certainly had the arms for it.

“I got in trouble with my dad and....I had to kneel on the snow and I had my shirt off, he was whipping me and he went longer than usual. He didn't stop until...Until I just blacked out, I don't remember exactly just....I just remember my face and chest hurting and being really cold and being dragged. I woke up chained up to a wall ad everything hurt....That isn't really uncommon, when they didn't want to put up with me they, they would do that.” The brunette tapped his fingers faster, his icy eyes were staring off at nothingness.

Skwisgaar felt uncomfortable, sad, and scared; he didn't like when Toki got that far away look in his eyes. He never knew when or if he would come back from it, he feared losing his friend to his own mind and the demons lingering within it. He considered touching him, wrapping his arm around him and holding him against him, but not right now; not when he was far off like that.

“It was always for a day or two, until I healed some. Not this time, they left me for a long time. This...I think, I don't even know; it's funny I don't always remember things completely or the right way...This man would come in, this large fat man dressed in black like the people from my dad's church. He would come in and he would beat me....He would yell, chant, throw holy water at my face, and beat me. It went like that, kept going like that until...I just...Everything stopped. I felt nothing, everything was black, and I felt really cold. I don't know how to explain it.”

He stopped tapping his fingers, now he was just staring off, but his eyes looked more focused now.

“I think I was dead or close to it, when I came to I was in my bed all bandaged up. My ribs had been bruised, I had been sick, and that man chipped my front tooth one of the times he punched me in the face....My parents didn't check on me much while I was in my room, the second I could walk again I went back to work.....I don't want to go back there Skwisgaar.” His voice broke off with a sob, he buried his face in his hands.

Skwisgaar pulled at his arm, the younger man moved closer to him settling against the taller man's side. He buried his face against his chest, arms wrapped around his waist holding him like he was scared somebody would take him away at any second. Skwisgaar brushed his fingers through his hair.

“It's okay Toki, you don't have to go back there. No more stupid church, no more punishment hole, and no more men hurting you. It's alright”

Time taught him the basics of taking care of his friend, a generally ignored urge to comfort somebody. The pain his friend felt was pain he didn't deserve, he never did anything wrong to deserve the Hell his family had put him through. He had only been a child, one they obviously hadn't planned on having, and were too cruel to give to people who could have loved him.

When Toki settled down and his body no longer shook with sobs, he looked up at Skwisgaar an apologetic look on his face.

“Sorry, I know I shouldn't bug you.”

“I don't mind, are you feeling better now?”

The younger man shrugged, Skwisgaar knew there were a million other things clouding his mind besides a torturous childhood.

“What else?”

“I keep thinking, because of that I was trying to remember just what dying felt like or if that was even dying. I wonder if it hurts too bad, because I'm not sure I want to do it if it hurts really bad.” 

“Toki”

“I wasn't going to hurt myself....I was just wondering”

It scared him when his friend talked about suicide, there were times he could talk about it like it was just a part of life. 

“It won't happen to you for a long time, don't think about that sort of thing now. You're still really young”

Toki was looking at him again, Skwisgaar brushed the tears off of his cheek with the pad of his thumb. He felt like he could smile when the younger man leaned into his touch.

“I wouldn't be that big of a loss.”

“Don't say things like that, we need you.”

I need you

He would keep that thought to himself though, buried for another time when he felt brave enough to share it. 

“You said yesterday I just give you more work you have to do.”

Skwisgaar remembered his comment; his long never ending list of comments. Stress made him lash out at his band mates in the recording studio, pressure to be on top of everything made him criticize their rhythm guitarist and their bassist. He knew part of the reason why he did and said the things that he did, but he still couldn't completely explain it to himself or anybody else.

“You fuck up, it happens; you aren't....You're nowhere near as bad as Murderface.”

He realized he still had his hand on his friend's cheek, he pulled it away pretending not to notice the look of disappointment on Toki's face at the loss of contact.

“Can you stay with me for the rest of the night?”

“Might as well, I'm too fucking tired to get up.”

He didn't feel like he had the energy to go all the way back down the hall to his own room and besides he was more than happy to share a bed with the younger musician. Being close to him when he got like this at least gave Skwisgaar the illusion he was doing anything to help, he wanted to help. 

When they lay down, Toki lay with his back facing Skwisgaar. The older man lightly traced his fingers along the patchwork of scars embedded over his back. They started from the tops of his shoulders wrapping to peek around his sides. The scarred skin felt drier than the rest, it bumped and had a generally rougher texture. Skwisgaar thought about how their young guitarist refused to change clothes around them for the longest time. It wasn't until Skwisgaar accidentally walked in on him getting dressed that he saw the then much fresher markings on his back. It had taken several badly executed lies for Toki to tell him that his father had caused the markings. 

Something about the markings had always fascinated Skwisgaar, it made him sad to see them. He wanted to make them go away, make the bad memories go away; the younger man deserved to have a peace of mind. He didn't deserve to have these bouts of deep depression and the thoughts of suicide that plagued him when it got too dark and his past kept coming back to scream in his face. Skwisgaar only had basic ideas on how to comfort his friend, how to show him just how much he cared, but he wondered how often it fell on deaf ears.

He pressed his lips against his back right between his shoulder blades. Toki tensed beneath his touch, Skwisgaar felt regret start to build up inside his mind. He placed another tentative kiss against his shoulder blade before pulling away completely. Toki rolled over so that he could face him; wide curious blue eyes looked at him, his cheeks were stained with tears. Skwisgaar touched his cheek again like he had before, the younger man placed his hand over Skwisgaar's. He turned his face to kiss the palm of his hand. Toki moved closer to him until their bodies were barely an inch apart, the blond haired musician pressed his lips against his forehead, the bridge of his nose then paused over his mouth. Toki closed the gap pressing his lips to Skwisgaar's in a gentle kiss. His fingers curled against the older man's side as they kissed, Toki broke away a sad smile on his face.

The dark haired man buried his face against the other man's chest, Skwisgaar held onto him. His lips still tingled from where they had kissed and Toki's skin still felt like it had been set on fire from where the older guitarist had touched him, it was the most warmth he'd felt all night.

Skwisgaar wasn't completely sure what was the right thing to say or how to ease his friend's mind with words, but he knew how to comfort and console through touch. It was the one thing he knew how to do right, he would teach himself how to articulate how he felt one of these days. For now his actions seemed to calm and comfort the man he held in his arms.


End file.
